I feel like I'm in trouble. Like I've been scolded. Let someone down. I did and I'm publicly apologizing cos yes, she does read this. Yeah my favorite shoes don't really matter. She does and she knows it. So stop jabbing at me with our baton already!

>>But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed<<

Dear Friend,
So what you want? What do I need to do to make you understand? Ugh you! You know how to get under my skin. Push the right buttons. Rub me the wrong way. We're both stressing right now. But things will work out. Let's don't let this one misstep throw us off.
Love,
Me

Think that'll get things back on track? Wish me luck. Other than pissing off people I care about I've been fumbling with my deadlines at work. Ick. Everything's due all at once. Sucks. So stressing big time.

Man, I so need a distraction. A break in the norm. I think I need a vacation. LOL Unfortunately that will not come any time soon. I'm trying to focus some personal time on myself. I feel guilty. There seems not a moment to relax. Always something or someone to take care of. I'm trying to step back and balance things but that is impossible. Things are weighing down and I'm still walking around with this silly smile on my face like everything's fine, just fine. Well it's not exactly okay. Everything is close to spiraling out of control. I'm spinning all the plates at once. I hope one doesn't break. I should've studied drama. I use it enough dealing with the public day in and day out.

>>We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young<<

I was thinking about my grandmother yesterday. How she'd sit on her front porch and rock. Sit there for hours silently watching the leaves on the trees sway in the wind. I thought about how much time she'd spend out there. I'd see her as I hopped off the school bus and made my way to her house. I really can't explain it, but there is nothing like sitting there on that front porch rocking with your grandmother. Sometimes I'd lie there and do my homework. Or I'd never unpack my backpack and listen intensely at everything she said. I always thought she was mysterious. There was so much I wanted to know about her. She captivated me. I was lucky my mom went to college and worked third shift. It gave me precious time that even at 8 I knew I was honored to have.

>>Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire<<

Now I have all these memories of her. Not many people know the things I know. Now that I've grown up more light has been shed on her life. I can only continue to be amazed at how she survived her childhood and her early marriage to my grandfather. Things sure have changed. A world of difference. In fact I know that if she had been born in a different time she would've never married my grandfather.This is where her choices were limited. She had major decisions like marriage made for her by her mother. It's my great grandmother that I'm curious about. What would you call her? The dictionary lays it out as
One who solicits and accepts payment for sex acts.
One who sells one's abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose.
I guess you do what you have to do. Who am I to judge? These are the tid bits my grandmother left out when telling stories of her childhood. I know that must have been a great struggle for her mother to feed her children. After having them fostered out she turned to prostitution to keep all her children under one roof. Pretty freaking amazing that her mother would go to any length to keep them. My grandfather ummm showed up at her door. He was a bit taken with my grandmother who was, hold on to your seats people 13 to his 22 and he supposingly purchased her to marry. Yeah I know that sounds horrible and I'm sure it was. But my thinking is that her mother felt her daughter would be cared for. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know really. I do know that my grandfather had to "ask" for every kiss or hug he ever got from my grandmother. I think that she wanted to establish early on that yes, he'd bought her but not her love and for all the years she spent with him he'd have to ask permission to show any sense of affection.

>>It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.<<

Wow I guess I just felt like mentioning this great woman that I once knew. I feel a void whenever I think about her not being around. It was a rare time of unconditional love. I had nothing to prove. I didn't have to earn it. It was just there. She had such a presence about her. I've never met anyone like her since. I miss her. Hell, I still find these little things I do that come directly from her. I have an uncanny way of knowing when I'm being lied to and whether it's worth calling people on it. That some times people cover up what they can't change and that doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. I very seldom question my first impression of people because it almost always turns out to be completely accurate. She taught me to always think with my heart but use good reason. Never just do the right thing just because it's right, do it cos it's in your heart.

Sorry no LJ cuts this go round. Sorry if you weren't really interested. I thank you for reading this far. I truly do. It wasn't necessary. But I needed to unwind and thinking of my grandmother helped me do just that. In some weird ass way I hoped maybe this made you think of someone special too.